Family mediation is often a less stressful and less expensive way to resolve conflicts than going to court.
However, when one party involved is a high conflict personality or someone commonly (and often misused) referred to as a narcissist, the process can become far more complex.
The reason for that is simply because high conflict personalities thrive on control, hate losing, and struggle to consider the needs of others.
So, is family mediation under these circumstances really a good idea?
What is a Narcissist or High Conflict Personality (HCP)?
I am not personally trained to diagnose narcissistic or high conflict personalities, nor is it my role to label anyone. However, as a family mediator, I must be able to identify whether mediation is possible and ensure it is conducted under the best possible conditions.
The literature is extensive on narcissists or high conflict personalities, and I encourage you to explore these resources for a deeper understanding.
To introduce the subject, here’s a summary from my readings:
A highly conflictual personality exhibits four key traits:
Unpredictable and polarized reactions.
Immature, overwhelming emotions.
A total lack of accountability for their words and actions.
Explosive anger.
(Source: Ariane Calvo, psychologist)
A narcissist, on the other hand, is characterized by someone who often feels superior to others but simultaneously loathes themselves. They “cause suffering to others to feel alive, manipulate, devalue, and blame their victims for their own failures and weaknesses.”
(Source: Margaux Rambert, Psychologie Magazine, December 5, 2003)
How does a narcissist or high conflict personality behave during mediation?
Typically, individuals with these traits will:
Refuse to compromise.
Distort the truth: exaggerating, lying, or misrepresenting facts to appear in a favorable light.
Focus on "winning" at all costs: For them, mediation isn’t about finding mutually beneficial solutions but about gaining an advantage.
Ignore the other party's needs: Lacking empathy, they focus solely on their own interests.
The main challenges they will bring in Family Mediation
Handling disputes initiated by the narcissist or high conflict personality to prevent escalation and avoid reaching a breaking point.
Determining credibility, as narcissist or high conflict personality may lie without hesitation or remorse.
Maintaining balance: a narcissist or high conflict personality often dominates conversations, leaving the other party feeling unheard or overshadowed.
Should Mediation be used in these situations?
It depends on the circumstances. Mediation can be effective and even the best option if well-structured. A skilled family mediator must establish clear rules to ensure the HCP/NP does not dominate or derail the process. Discussions should remain balanced, and all agreements should be documented to prevent later disputes.
However, in certain cases, mediation might not be appropriate. For example:
When the other party feels intimidated or under the narcissist or high conflict personality's influence: Mediation could exacerbate the situation.
When children are involved: They may become unwilling participants or pawns in the conflict.
In such scenarios, judicial proceedings or arbitration—which enforce binding decisions—may be better alternatives.
Key considerations for Mediation
If you decide to try mediation, consider these tips to maximize its chances of success:
Choose an experienced mediator: Someone familiar with difficult personalities can keep discussions constructive and establish clear rules from the outset (e.g., no interruptions, no personal attacks, mutual respect).
Consider co-mediation: Having two mediators working together is highly effective. This setup helps restore balance, as one mediator can monitor the a narcissist or high conflict personality's behavior and intervene when necessary to prevent provocations from escalating.
Stick to facts: Use objective evidence, such as legal or financial documents, to avoid subjective arguments.
Take care of yourself: Mediation with an a narcissist or high conflict personality can be emotionally draining. Seek support from friends or therapists and step back when needed to maintain perspective.
Conclusion
As you can see, family mediation with a high conflict personality or a narcissist is not impossible, provided proper precautions are taken. This includes having a competent mediator, a well-defined framework, and personal support to manage the emotional toll.
These challenging situations are precisely where my mediation expertise can make a difference. I am experienced in handling emotionally charged and complex disputes, ensuring a calm and balanced environment where everyone’s voice is heard. I am trained to avoid manipulation traps, setting clear boundaries, and helping parties find fair solutions.
In cases involving high conflict personalities or narcissists, I strongly recommend co-mediation. This approach allows mediation to succeed even in emotionally intense cases and helps avoid the delays and costs of judicial proceedings.
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